I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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