Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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