Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
