it hurts more in the daytime
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
