fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
