the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
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