Quick, to the slutcave!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
