turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.