I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
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Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
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And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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