I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
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I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.