I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.