dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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