remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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