Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
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I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
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Go christen that room with your naked body.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize