guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
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The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
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I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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