i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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