I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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