I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
