don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
