Texts From Last Night

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  (661): View more from California

  Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.

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  (661): Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times. http://tfl.nu/sk4n
  Replies (19) Good night (892) Bad night (3918)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm

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  (717): Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm http://tfl.nu/ao4q
  Replies (38) Good night (4568) Bad night (2126)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.

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  (647): They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling. http://tfl.nu/0who
  Replies (12) Good night (1353) Bad night (5797)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet

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  (248): I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet http://tfl.nu/xsvu
  Replies (22) Good night (1213) Bad night (6202)
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  (310): View more from California

  I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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  (310): I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in. http://tfl.nu/n54h
  Replies (6) Good night (6038) Bad night (982)
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating

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  (212): it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating http://tfl.nu/p848
  Replies (19) Good night (4454) Bad night (1101)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.

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  (330): White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux. http://tfl.nu/a54h
  Replies (5) Good night (2009) Bad night (758)
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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  (941): Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night? http://tfl.nu/uq24
  Replies (18) Good night (5468) Bad night (979)
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

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  (301): Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles" http://tfl.nu/ewys
  Replies (7) Good night (1509) Bad night (991)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

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  (215): There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut. http://tfl.nu/e6c8
  Replies (2) Good night (1613) Bad night (623)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!

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  (203): Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor (203): WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?! http://tfl.nu/dwzz
  Replies (5) Good night (698) Bad night (444)
• Favorite

  (323): View more from California

  I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?

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  (323): I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there? http://tfl.nu/203x
  Replies (7) Good night (539) Bad night (662)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "

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  (317): I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time " http://tfl.nu/0ln5
  Replies (4) Good night (1028) Bad night (501)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.

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  (678): Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty. http://tfl.nu/d492
  Replies (5) Good night (886) Bad night (471)
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway

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  (401): I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway http://tfl.nu/g36h
  Replies (3) Good night (911) Bad night (367)

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