Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
