please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
