im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
