During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
