there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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