my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
