**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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