im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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