Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
