Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
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Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
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Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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