Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
