apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
