This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
