I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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