My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
