Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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