He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
