I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
