i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
