I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he thought i was a dude.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
as a side note pls kill me
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
