The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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