Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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