Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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