After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
