this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
