I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
