worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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