hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
