It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
