Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
