Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
