I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
