There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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