I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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