I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
