I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
