Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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